I hate the gap. I hate it.
I hate it.
Everything good has been flattened. I’m so weak.
I let you take away everything pure and innocent.
No, that’s not right. I gave it to you.
My fucking mistake.
And you know I can never forgive myself for making mistakes.
I can’t do this anymore.
I’m falling in love with Anon, and I can’t even tell him.
I wanted to whinge here, I really did. But… life is as fair as you want it to be.
Take it easy, T. For a while. Just coast. For like. Two seconds.
Coast.
I don’t think I remember how that works.
And apparently I’m a mean drunk! Sweet.
It got so cheesy today, we got so cheesy. It was unbearably lovely.
It was like a scene out of a bad French film: lying on a picnic table underneath the branches of a massive old tree, and if you squint you see some stars.
Things fade here.
I love how he cares so deeply. How he tries to say the right thing at the exact right time. How he’s one hundred per cent there.
I love how he loves this country. I don’t belong anywhere. I wish I had that sort of patriotism. I try my best, but his love is in his bones and blood.
He’s so easy to be with. It terrifies me.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
My stupid mouth gets me in trouble.
Thank God I’ve so many people watching my back.
I am just so ridiculously happy these days, I feel like punching myself.
Work has been a little slow the past couple of days (by which I mean I file like ONLY ONE STORY A DAY, NO) but I’ve sent out a couple emails, am chasing someone, got to start chasing someone else - there is a lot of chasing involved, it’s like having a crush on a boy.
Please let it pick up soon!
In other sad news, I am an idiot. Who spends her waking hours mooning over this soppy Chinese boy.
That said, being soppy, I am fairly certain he moons over me too. So perhaps it is okay.
Anon is really the sweetest thing, which scares the living daylights out of me. I am blessed enough to have wonderful friends, some of whom I actually allow into my life wholly.
I had two and a half lovely years with R, two of which I was insanely head-over-heels in love with him, and six months of happiness; and now I can look back and say with confidence that we were both lucky. It made me a better person.
And there’s Little Lion Man, and a large part of me believes I will probably never love anyone the way I loved him - at least, not anytime soon. It’s not a bad thing, because that love entailed so much waiting. So much anger and frustration. He definitely had an impact, as much as I hate to admit it - I don’t know yet if he’s made me stronger or more fragile. Sometimes I think it’s both.
Both relationships, as cheesy as this sounds, drew me closer to God. Out of a million things: praying for the pain to stop, praying to give thanks, just praying.
And that’s the only sort of relationship I want. Something (someone?) to help me see more clearly how things are good, how life is wonderful, how I am lucky.
Sometimes I wonder if sunsets and simple things make me feel unbelievably blessed only because I don’t have the complicated things.
But I get so freaked out, especially when people are too nice. It’s almost surreal, too good to be true - and it makes me wonder whether real people act this way (if that makes any sense).
Is this how people are in relationships? Is this weird?
All the compliments and the attention and the kindness. The superlatives and promises. How you want to rely on each other (but I am too smart for that, oh no).
You are under no obligation…
That’s the party line. It really is. I hate putting people out, because I can do my own thing and I can take care of myself. There’s really not much point letting someone else help you because once they fuck off, you’re screwed. You’re reliant by that point, and it takes far too much work to adapt.
Might as well do it right and do it alone.
But why is he so nice to me? He really shouldn’t be. The fire’s dead - and I don’t know whether I’m still capable of fearlessness. I’m not here. I’m not anything. I’m a ridiculous mess and stupidly breakable and clueless, as hard as that is to admit. He deserves better.
Also, yesterday I had this awesome ravioli with duck meat and mushrooms and parmesan. It was so good, I have to mention it here.
And today I’ve got some event and then hopefully I can go get trashed. Okay, tipsy.
I need a drink.
i’m still amazed at your ability to lie to yourself. keep going like that and nobody can truly love you. they can’t. how ironic. because that’s what you desperately crave.
Weep for yourself, my man - you’ll never be what is in your heart.
(Your grace is wasted in your face - your boldness stands alone among the wreck. Now learn from your mother or else spend your days biting your own neck.)
Finally.
Good music again.
Things have been a good sort of easy sort of chilled-out sort of insane.
If that even makes sense.
And I know usually I write it all down - who said what, where I went, what I did - but I’m running out of energy in some ways.
Hell, I haven’t read a book since I started work. Which is ridiculous, because I’m really not doing that much.
And I guess another part of me wants to keep things secret for a while, despite the fact that hardly anyone knows about and therefore reads hosannas.
You know? It’s like… writing about things makes them hyper-real.
I’m really enjoying work. I filed four stories yesterday. One about Sarawak (yay!), a couple DSAI stories, and a processed press release (not so yay).
Filed another today, also Sarawak-related. I’m unsure if I’m getting these because I’m so gung-ho about the place (I miss home) or because everyone wants to know what’s going on there.
A normal day - or what constituted normal for the past couple of weeks - would be sodomy in the mornings and a press release or two.
Not learning fast enough. Not doing enough.
I’ve got to start chasing things.
insert here
insipid half-assed prose which tries its very best to be deep
and meaningful
and convey just how much -
insert here
some sort of quotation or song lyric
which tells you that i -
insert here
not enough sleep and a complete
lack of caring
because the night is selfish
and wants you to itself
but it had better get in line
insert here
a moment, a brief moment
where i actually hate
my job
insert here
not enough
time
insert here
a little too much intensity
and you can say all the beautiful things you like
and i’ll believe you for a moment because i want to
just a moment
insert here
here, in my hand
yours.
